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healing from Infidelity/betrayal trauma

What is Infidelity/Betrayal Trauma?

Betrayal trauma occurs when someone experiences a significant betrayal of trust, especially from someone on whom they are deeply dependent or to whom they are very close. In some cases, it can lead to symptoms similar to those of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), such as intrusive thoughts, heightened anxiety, and avoidance behaviors.

Imagine yourself and your spouse working very hard to build your dream house, a sanctuary meant to be your safe haven, secure and sheltered. Then, one fateful day, while you were within its walls, a fire broke out. You experienced burns and endured intensely painful wounds. Following that incident, you avoided that part of the house, as it reminded you of the pain and trauma. Every now and then, the haunting images of the devastating blaze still resurface. These images remain beyond your control, replaying in your mind.

Recovery from betrayal trauma often involves processing the emotions associated with the betrayal, rebuilding trust, and often seeking support through Couple/Marriage Counselling.

Betrayal trauma is a significant emotional and psychological challenge and dealing with it often requires time, support, and professional help, specifically through Infidelity Counselling.

What are the options after a part of the house is burnt?

1. Demolish it completely - Divorce

2. Stay but make no effort to repair the house - Status Quo

3. REPAIR the burnt part and REBUILD the whole house (the best option)

Who is responsible to rebuild the house?

There are TWO important different aspects to consider here:

1. Someone in the house is injured and suffering!

The most important task here is to take care of the injured person. The one who caused the fire needs to take care of the injured person.

2. Repairing and Rebuilding the house!

The house is no longer the same - the fire left behind scars and damages. The couple would need to rebuild their dream home together - find out what things led to the fire starting. And start to repair and redesign what they want the new house to look like.

infidelity counselling: Roadmap of recovery from an affair

Infidelity crushes marriages, yet it is not a death sentence. Give your marriage a chance!!!

Stage 1: Stabilize the initial crisis

Crisis Management (initial stage)
Dealing with the impacts
Coping with the flashback/PTSD
Self-care and affect regulation
Accountability and trust
Unpacking Emotions for Injured Partner
Exploring Root Cause for Offending Partner
Identify the negative communication pattern after the discovery

Stage 2: Recovery Process

Part A: Past

Revisit the old marriage
Exploration contributing factors
Struggles and challenges
Recognize marital styles & dynamic
Bring closure to the old marriage

Part B: Present

Change the communication pattern
Rebuilding trust (openness & honesty)
Applying new ways of communication
Recovery of attachment injuries process
Forgiveness & Reconciliation

Stage 3: Building A New Marriage

Both partners take responsibilities to rebuild a new marriage
Coherence of emotional, cognitive and behavioural
Reconnecting with each other
New emotional experience of safety and secure in relationship
Expressing Needs and Wants
Problem solving of the remaining old issues in the marriage

Frequently Asked Questions

About Infidelity Counselling/ Recovery from Extra Marital Affair/ Betrayal Trauma

1. What is Infidelity Counselling?

Infidelity counseling is a type of therapy that focuses on helping couples and individuals navigate the complexities and emotional turmoil following an affair. It aims to address issues of trust, betrayal, and communication to rebuild the relationship or assist individuals in moving forward.

2. Can our relationship recover from an affair?

Yes. Many relationships can recover from an affair with the help of professional counseling. Recovery involves rebuilding trust, improving communication, and addressing underlying issues in the relationship. The process is challenging and requires commitment from both partners.

3. Should I attend counseling if I’m unsure about staying in the relationship?

Yes, attending counseling can be beneficial even if you’re uncertain about the future of your relationship. It can provide a space to explore your feelings, understand the affair's impact, and make a more informed decision about your relationship.

4. How long does infidelity counseling take?

The duration of infidelity counseling varies depending on the specific circumstances, the depth of the betrayal, the individuals' life experience, and the commitment of both partners to the healing process. It can range from a few months to a year or more.

5. How do we rebuild trust after an affair?

Rebuilding trust is a gradual process that involves consistent, honest communication, transparency, and commitment to change. Counseling can provide strategies and guidance on how to rebuild trust effectively.

6. Is individual therapy recommended along with couples therapy?

In many cases, both individual and couples therapy are recommended. Individual therapy can help each partner address personal issues and emotions related to the affair, while couples therapy focuses on repairing the relationship

7. What if my partner refuses to attend counseling?

If your partner refuses to attend counseling, you might still benefit from individual therapy to process your feelings and decide how you want to move forward. A therapist can also offer strategies for encouraging your partner to participate in the future.

8. How can I stop myself from obsessively asking questions about the affair?

Overcoming the urge to obsessively ask questions about the affair involves understanding the underlying need for these questions and addressing it in healthier ways. Learning how to practice self-regulation and self-care is important. Seek professional support to guide you in managing your triggers.

9. What should I do when I become frustrated with my partner's inability to let go of the past?

It's important to recognize that your partner is going through a difficult period. Although it may be challenging to acknowledge that you are the source of their pain, remember that you also have the power to support their healing journey. Exercise patience and try not to take their struggle personally. Practice empathy by putting yourself in your partner's shoes, aiming to understand their pain and their hesitance to let go.

10. I understand the importance of honesty in rebuilding trust, but I'm concerned that sharing the details of my affair could further hurt my partner. How should I navigate this?

Engage in an open dialogue with your partner regarding what they need to know. Consulting with a therapist who specializes in Infidelity Counseling can offer crucial insights into managing these discussions effectively. Attempting these challenging conversations during couples therapy sessions can be particularly beneficial. This practice not only helps in rebuilding trust but also fosters a deeper understanding of the dynamics within your relationship.

Hear their experience after infidelity counselling

From Disconnection to Connection

My wife and I have been seeing each other for about 10 years and we decided to tie the knot 5 years ago. Unfortunately, I got into an extramarital affair with an office colleague and started to stray from my marriage, until my wife eventually found out about it.

Hoping to salvage the marriage, we approached Winny for Infidelity Counselling and have since attended over 10 sessions with her. Winny was patient and understanding to hearing both sides of our story and took an unbiased stance towards breaking down the problems in our relationship.

Through the coaching and assignments, we were able to understand our other half better and identified the root cause to the problem in our relationship – that is we are a conflict avoidant couple and that resulted in a build-up frustration over the years. Towards the end of the counselling, Winny gave some valuable advice on how to rebuild the trust in our relationship.

Thanks to Winny, my wife and I are now more vocal and could engage with each other on a much more intimate level. We also learned that marriage is fragile and never to take each other for granted. We will not hesitate to recommend Winny to any other couple for Marriage Counselling. (TJ and SC)

infidelity counselling